His needs, Her needs - Book Review

His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage, Willard F. Harley, Jr.

A love bank. This is the main image that Harley uses through out his book on marriage. Each person has a love bank. Deposits and withdrawals can be made into these bank accounts. So I can add to my spouse's love bank and I can make withdrawals from it. The more I add to my spouse's love bank the more they will feel in love with me. The way to add to your spouse's love bank is to meet their needs.
Harley says that men and women have different needs.

Men need: sexual fulfilment, recreational companionship (he wants to have fun with her), an attractive spouse, domestic support (he wants to rest at home), respect.

Women need: affection (non-sexual), conversation, honesty and openness, financial support (she wants to live comfortably - she may work but hopes she will not have to), family commitment (she wants him to be a good father).

The strength of this book is to highlight that we need to be pouring into our spouse's life or our marriages will fail. Love will dry up if we are not making deposits into our spouses love bank. Interestingly enough Harley believes that to have an affair proof marriage we cannot simply meet one of the needs of our spouse but that we need to meet all of them. He says that when he counsels couple where there is an affair often the person committing the affair loves their spouse and the other person (sometimes they cannot choose between the two). This is because those two people are meeting different needs the person has.
Another positive of the book is that it is not very politically correct. It is not politically correct to say that a guy wants a good looking wife and that a woman wants a man to provide for her financially. And we may wish this was different, but if this is reality we might as well face it. Harley see no point it pretending something is not important to you when in fact it is really important.

However this leads to the two large weaknesses of the book. Harley is too ridged in his division of the different needs between male and female. These lists may ring true for many couples but there is a lot different people out there. His book places men and women into boxes. This is a problem. Reinforcing stereotypes for the different sexes can create problems if one spouse doesn't fit the box they are expected to fit.
This book's biggest weakness is that he leaves little room for people to change. He says these are needs. In fact some of these things are actually wants. That is a very big difference. And sometimes what you want is not what you need or should even have. A guy who wants a good looking wife may actually need to change. He may be so caught up with our cultural's definition of sexual beauty that he cannot see the wonderful women he is married to. A woman who marries for money may need to change. Harley says that a woman needs a man to provide for her as well as her father did or better. What about greed and materialism? Perhaps the woman needs to change and learn contentment.

If you read this book with discernment and take some of the things he says with a grain of salt, this book can help your marriage. Especially the picture of the love bank.

Should churches do state weddings?

Found this interesting article on Jesus Creed - (originally here).
By Robin Dugall:

Ok - this is bound to be a bit "controversial" for some of you.  For others, it will be a no-brainer.  I believe it is time to separate the civil and "religious" ceremonies of marriage.  In light of the conversations, issues of civil rights and cultural discourse that has surrounded the issue of marriage for "centuries" (believe me, for you students of history, we are not the only people who have struggled with what marriage means - monogamous, man/woman, polygamy, etc. throughout history), it is time to revisit what some countries already practice - first, have EVERY couple seek a marriage license and a state marriage validation through the civil processes.  Get the Justices of the Peace busy with every wedding sought by people within whatever civil definition prevails.  Secondly, for those couples who would like to have a marriage "blessing" from the church (note that I used the small "c" because there is not even unanimity in opinions about the definition of marriage even among relgious communities), have them seek that wedding blessing from within the definition and faith/belief system to which they adhere.  That way, for those faith communities who believe that marriage IS defined by one woman/one man, these communities can continue to abide by their faith/doctrinal systems and embrace their definition of marraige from within the protection of religious liberty.  In this way, NO MORALITY is imposed on the culture in any manner.  In this way, faith communities can continue to practice what many of us feel is an issue that is non-negotiable, that being, a biblical worldview perspective, a biblical narrative/story perspective on the institution of marriage.  For some of my pals this might be seen as a bit dualistic.  I'm NOT trying to imply a separation of the spiritual and material realms.  I still believe we live in a God-soaked world in which there is NO separtion between the secular and sacred.  God's presence in reality as Ultimate reality implies that there is NO SUCH THING as secular space or pure secular living.  What this DOES DO  is give followers of Jesus an opportunity to practice our faith and celebrate our "culture's" adherance, commitments and obedience to our hermeneutic and application of the biblical story (in regards to human relationships, our understanding of family, marriage, etc.).  I don't think there was EVER an expectation within the biblical story that the faith community would be in agreement with cultural norms.  In fact, there are very clear perspectives throughout holy writ that imply that there WILL BE a differentiation with culture.  So, I think it is time to do this with marriage.  In actuality, I think I'm going to begin some discussions with my friends, faith community and fellow scholars about how this idea may take shape in creative action in the days to come.  In this way as well people of faith can support civil rights and NOT get bogged down by accusations of bigotry or hatred due to the legality of ONE issue.  I have compassion and humility with this issue...I also have strong feelings and long-held beliefs about what Christ followers are supposed to uphold when it comes to sexual and relational ethics.  By splitting the two "realities," we live in the best of both worlds.  So, push back anyone?  

Divorce

A topic we avoid, while at same time embrace.

We avoid because it is filled with pain.

We embrace because it has affected all of us.

On Sunday I preached on Matthew 19:1-12.  Jesus talks about divorce.

Here are a few things that I had in mind as I preached:

1. Grace.  There is grace and forgiveness.  The story just before this one is a story of forgiveness.  A man who owns too much to pay back is forgiven.  He then is to forgive those around him.  We are forgiven by God based on the cross, this includes those who have been divorced.  All of us need to extend the same grace that we have received.  
2. Hard hearts.  Jesus states that divorce (marriage breakdown) happens because of hard hearts.  Yes, there may be an innocent party in divorce (it takes two to make a marriage thrive).  But we need to realize that divorce is a result of sin.  Most of the time both individuals in a marriage breakdown have hard hearts.
3. All of us have hard hearts.  
4. Two shall become one.  The goal of marriage is greater than not getting divorced.  The purpose of marriage is to not suffer through life with some other person.  The goal is oneness.  To be one means that you stand together and face all of life together.  It is not about being roommates.  Divorce happens because we are not pursuing "oneness".  We do not want a spouse, we want cheerleader. 
5. Change.  To be married means that we need to change.  Marriage changes everything.  Our hearts have to be open to allowing the other person to change us.
6. Singleness.  Sometimes it is better to be single rather than being married.  Jesus holds up that a single life is blessed.  Married life is also blessed (in different ways).  

The Meaning of Marriage

The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God, by Timothy and Kathy Keller

A good book.
The Kellers really nail the number one problem in marriage.  We are selfish.  We care more about ourselves then we do about spouses.

In Western culture today, you decide to get married because you feel an attraction to the other person.  You think he or she is wonderful.  But a year or two later - or, just as often, a month or two - three things usually happen.  First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is.  Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are.  And third, though you acknowledge it in part, you conclude that your spouse's selfishness is more problematic than your own.  (page 64)

The solution that they offer is the gospel:

The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.  (page 48)

Out of this acceptance and love found in Jesus we are able to move to love our spouses through action, even if we don't feel like it, or we feel they don't deserve it.

In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love seem to dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love.  So what do you do?  You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling.  You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must be tender, understanding, forgiving, and helpful.  And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings.  This is what can happen if you decide to love.  (page 104)

If we all live like this, gaining our worth and significance from Yahweh and from there deciding to be loving to our spouses, then our marriages will be awesome!

Marriage Challenge

Here are some ideas of how to enhance your marriage:

• Go on a date
• Write love notes
• Buy flowers
• Make a special meal
• Help your spouse with something they normally do
• Tell your spouse 10 amazing things about them
• Read a book together
• Snuggle
• Watch a movie you both enjoy
• Kiss and hug - often
• Go for bike rides (or walks)
• Watch the sunset (or sunrise)
• Take a marriage course (our church will doing one in fall)
• Read a book about marriage (and do what it says)
• Forgive
• Have sex
• Look at the stars
• Dream together

Other ideas?

Play at your marriage

"Don't work at your marriages.  Play" - Leonard Sweet

Too often work is something that we try avoid.  We wait for the evenings, weekends and holidays.  Work is viewed as a burden and drudgery.  A boring thing we must suffer through.
We want to play.
Now playing at something does not mean that it is easy.  Consider playing sports.
It can be very difficult at times (watch the Olympics).  But we embrace the difficulty because of the joy of playing.  We push ourselves to get better and better out of our love for the sport.

When we play instead of working we actually become better.

At a cyclocross race (the best kind of bike racing) there are different categories, A race and B race (A being the better bikers).  Watching a race I noticed the B racers worked.  They worked hard, they were pushing themselves (sometimes to the point of throwing up).  There was blood, sweat and tears.
The A racers played.  They were showing off to the crowd, smiling.  Still pushing hard, and there were still blood, sweat and tears.  But they played...and they were a lot faster and better then the B racers.

If we stop working at our marriages (doing the minimum because we have too while just waiting to do something fun) and instead play at our marriages - embrace difficulty, bring blood, sweat and tears - because of the joy of being married, it will become more and more wondrous.

Marriage resources

Here is a list of marriage resources that we have in our library:

Books

• Love & Respect by Emerson Eggrich
• Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• Best Friends Best Lovers by Bob & Audrey Meisner
• The Love Dare by Stephen & Alex Kendrick
• For Men Only by Jeff Feldhahn
• A Husband After God's Own Heart by Jim George
• For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn
• Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas
• What's It Like Being Married to Me? by Linda Dillow

DVD Series & Movies

• Love Respect
• Sacred Marriage
• Fireproof
• From Anger to Intimacy by Gary Smalley

What resources have you found helpful?

February Challenge

I am a very blessed man. I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world. My most awesome wife is a constant source of blessing, encouragement and love. We are crazy in love with each other.
A few things have challenged me to be more intentional in letting her know that I love her.
Yesterday I visited an elderly couple. They informed me that they had been married for over 60 years. At one point I was looking at some photos and the elderly man pointed to a picture of his wife and said, "that's my sweetheart." I want that, to be married 60 years and still be madly in love with the same woman. Now I have been married enough years to know that love like this does not just happen it takes some work.
Also, it happens to be February. And as we all know Valentines day is coming up. The one special day we are to show love in a special way.
Last year, my wife offered a challenge to the wives to be very intentional about showing love to their husbands through out the whole month of February.
These three things have prompted me to offer a challenge to the guys, specifically the married men. Every day this month think of a way you can show your wife that you love her and value her. You could do things like: wash the dishes, clean the house, write her a love note, buy her chocolate, watch the kids so she can go out... whatever. Just be intentional in showing your sweetheart that you love her, daily.